The Joke Thread

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#1
Mods, please delete if this is not in keeping with forum T&C.

If it's ok, then here's one to start off with:


CLEVER HUSBAND

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless, that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said,

Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
 

Mandingo Rex

★★★★★
Founder
Mar 14, 2011
14,392
6
38
36
Gone Baby, Gone
#4
I've heard a few variations of this, but it's one of my (less offensive) favorites from when I was younger:

One day a woman, feeling particularly lonely that day with her husband out of town for work, walks into a sex shop. The cashier asks if she needs help, to which she replies, "Yes, i would like the best dildo you have... the price is not an issue." The cashier asks her to wait a moment and disappears into the back of the store. When he returns, he is holding a dusty and ancient looking box. When he opens the box, inside is a normal looking wooden dildo with some etchings on the side. "What's so special about this?" the woman asks. The cashier then explains that this is a MAGIC dildo, and all one needs to do is say, "Magic Dildo, _______" and fill in the blank with whatever she wants the dildo to do, and it will fly there by itself and do the job.

The woman returns home with her new merchandise, eager to try it out. She goes up to her room with the dildo and says, "Magic Dildo, my vagina!" Magically, it flies into her vagina and begins vibrating wildly, hitting all the right spots. The next hour is filled with the best orgasms she has ever had. Afterwards, however, she realizes there is a small problem... How does she get the magic dildo to stop? The woman tries time again and again to remove it, but with no luck. She panics and gets into her car and speeds to the emergency room. Unfortunately, on the way over she is hit by yet another series of massive orgasms and swerves in and out of her lane. To complicate matters, she sees blue lights behind her and gets pulled over by a police officer.

"Just how much have you had to drink tonight, sweetheart?" The policeman asks, shining a flashlight in her sweating face. Out of breath and shaking still, the woman begins to tell the police officer the story of her strange day and that she is in dire need to get to the hospital to remove a Magic Dildo. Rolling his eyes, the skeptical cop replies, "Ha! 'Magic Dildo', my ass!"
 

Mandingo Rex

★★★★★
Founder
Mar 14, 2011
14,392
6
38
36
Gone Baby, Gone
#5
Thinking their small son was fast asleep in bed, a husband and wife get frisky in their bedroom. Without so much as making a sound, Little Timmy walks in on his mother riding his father hard, and scares the shit out of them. Timmy, having seen it all, freaks out and runs to his bedroom in tears.

The wife, embarrassed and freaked out, covers herself up and says, "Oh my God, I'll handle this..." and rushes after her child to help play damage control. When she gets in there, she calms the boy down and has a talk with him.

"Timmy, honey... Do you know how your father has gotten a big tummy lately? Well, Mommy was just bouncing up and down on his belly to help squeeze out all the fat air inside him."

"But Mommy, that's not gonna work! Whenever you leave for work in the morning, the lady next door comes in and blows him right back up."
 

Wild weasel

needs killer whale parts!
Jun 9, 2011
2,539
1
0
23
#8
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled
up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
 

rds13601

A Waste of Space!!!!
Aug 2, 2011
444
0
0
50
Biggest dump on earth
#10
I was in Mexico a year ago. A man walks up to me in the middle of the desert where i was camping and pulls a pistol. He says. "I am The Frito Bandito!" "Gimme all your money and take a dump and eat it!!!!"" Naturally fearing for my life I had to give in and shamefullfy accepted his demands.After he rode off on his horse laughing hysterically. I wasn't going to take this like down. I went to the local town where my truck was and my 45 pistol was locked underneath the seat for protection. I heard a hysterical laugh coming from one of the bars in the town. I took my 45 and concealed it and went into the bar where the laugh was coming. Sure enough there was the Frito Bandito. I went up to him and pointed the 45 at his head. I said,"Turn around slowly." while the others in the bar watched in silenced. I said, "Gimme your money and take a dump and eat it if you want to live!!" Seeing the rage in my eyes he complied. I walked out of the bar slowly got in my truck and left the town. Whenever I am in Mexico people ask me whether or not I know the Frito Bandito. What I tell them is that the Frito Bandito and I had lunch together one afternoon.
 

Meddatron

I am what I am
Apr 19, 2011
11,383
5
0
44
York, Pa
s1193.photobucket.com
#13
This one is a little gross, enjoy

A newly married couple goes on their honeymoon. an older couple is staying in the room beside them for their anniversary. For 3 days the old man sees the newly married man leave at the crack of dawn to go fishing and doesnt return untill nightfall. On the 4th day when the young newlywed gets home the old man says to him. Son, you really ought to spend a little time with your wife or your marriage wont last. the man replies back, well sir, she has Chlamydia. The old guy says, well they got pills for that. the young man responds, she's got Gonorrhea. the old guy once again says they got pills for that too. the young man says, well she also has Syphilis. the old guy once again says, pills. the young guy says well, she has aids too. the old guy says, jesus son, why did you marry her. the young guys says....well, she has worms too, and i just love to fish......
 

Meddatron

I am what I am
Apr 19, 2011
11,383
5
0
44
York, Pa
s1193.photobucket.com
#15
yeah, I know a few nasty ones thats for sure.

Here's one of my favs...

Little Johnny is in 3rd grade. the teacher says to the class, "today class, we are going to do some simple word math problems. You have 3 birds sitting on an electrical wire. you take a gun and shoot one, how many are left?" little Johnny raises his hand and says "0". teacher says "no little Johnny, if there are 3, and you shoot 1, 2 would be left" little Johnny says "yeah but the sound of the gun would make the other 2 fly away leaving 0" Teacher says "I like the way you think"
Little johnny says to the teacher "I have a question for you, you have 3 women with ice cream, 1 is licking it, 1 is sucking it, 1 is eating it, which one is married" The teacher thinks about it and says "I guess the one who is sucking it" Little johnny says "No, its the one with the wedding ring....but i like the way you think."
 

G.I.*EDDIE

gobbles a LOT of cock
Founder
Mar 14, 2011
42,507
351
83
S.E. Mich :(
#16
heh heh heh

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
 

G.I.*EDDIE

gobbles a LOT of cock
Founder
Mar 14, 2011
42,507
351
83
S.E. Mich :(
#17
my fave joke ever...

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"
 

K-Tiger

All solutions are final.
Founder
Mar 14, 2011
30,898
125
63
#18
my fave joke ever...

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"
I hadn't heard the preamble, but I have heard the punchline to this one before!
 

rds13601

A Waste of Space!!!!
Aug 2, 2011
444
0
0
50
Biggest dump on earth
#21
A man walks into a bar and sees his ex wife sitting there. He asks her if she's seeing someone new. She replies yes. He then asks her how old tired pussy is doing. She replies it's doing fine once you get past the point that wasn't used.
 
Dec 12, 2011
624
0
0
25
Cordell, Oklahoma
#22
What is the cheapest meat? Deer balls, there under a buck.

What is the lightest thing in the world? A penis…even a thought can raise it.

What is the noisiest thing in the world? Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#23
I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.

She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"

"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."
 

Ctrl_Z

Enlisted
May 6, 2011
2,888
2
0
#27
Man walks into a bar and spots two hotties sitting at the bar. He proceeds to hit on them but they give him the cold shoulder.

Guy: "Come on ladies, don't be like that."
Girl 1: "You know you're in a lesbian bar. We're all lesbian."

Dumbfounded he asks: "What..what's that? A "lesbian." I don't understand

The second girl responds irritatedly: "It means we all like pussy."

The man looks up at the bartender and says: "3 drinks for us lesbians, please!"
 

Cloud Strife

Mako Infused SOLDIER
Apr 16, 2011
3,394
4
38
Midgar
#30
my fave joke ever...

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"
Spiderman isn't in the DC Universe... :D
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#31
During class the teacher asked the kids what their fathers did for a living.

"My dad runs the fire station. He's the fire chief," said little Simon.

"Very good, Simon. Anyone else?"

"My dad runs the prison," piped up Billy.

"Excellent, Billy," said the teacher. "Is he the warden?"

"No, sir, he's just the hardest motherfucker in there."