The Joke Thread

xxxx

Artist.In.Residence.
Apr 13, 2011
875
0
0
england
#42
three vampire's are sitting in a graveyard,one pull's out a hot cup of blood,the other pull's out a hot cup of blood.the third one pull's out a cup of hot water and stick's a used tampon into it,his two friend's ask him what he's doing...he answer's..."what! have you never heard of tea-bag's?!!!.
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#43
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#44
Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
An Asian lady was in front of me trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#45
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. Now let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 

Wild weasel

needs killer whale parts!
Jun 9, 2011
2,539
1
0
23
#46
These two are awesome!

Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of US dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
An Asian lady was in front of me trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

reminds me of this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q79U3KafaXs


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. Now let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 

xxxx

Artist.In.Residence.
Apr 13, 2011
875
0
0
england
#48
an old fella walks into a music shop and ask's the young shop assistant if they have anything by the doors.the puzzled worker replie's "just a fire extinguisher and the light switches!"
 
Last edited:

xxxx

Artist.In.Residence.
Apr 13, 2011
875
0
0
england
#49
two dim-witted fella's are in the pub.one of them says to the other"you really need to close your curtains when you're having sex with the missus.the whole village saw you at it last night and they're all laughing behind you're back!".his mate replies,"ha,the joke's on them.i was'nt even home last night!".
 
Last edited:

xxxx

Artist.In.Residence.
Apr 13, 2011
875
0
0
england
#50
"a couple in their 90's have celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary.and they can't remember having a single argument.or each other's name!"
 
Last edited:

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#54
Mandingo Rex's joke about Mad Max 2 made me remember this one:


Bankstown High School Maths Test

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
CITY OF BANKSTOWN, SYDNEY

MATHEMATICS EXAM


NAME ……………………….

GANG ……………………….

Time allowed: 1 hour

1. If Mohammed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean-shaven, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an “8 ballâ€￾ to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn’t cut it?

5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Toyota Tarago from the auctions?

6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30-round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chip shop's deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

10. If Abdo runs a Doner Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

11. If Bankstown’s ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

12. Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?

13. Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Holden Commodore and $100.00 for a Ford Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW’s and three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

14. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)

15. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

16. If Greg Smith hears the word “yallahâ€￾ approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word “mateâ€￾ in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

17. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

18. If Ahmed uses 1 kg of “bogâ€￾ (Bondo) to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if Bunnings is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?

19. Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. His common-law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

20. If Mario’s dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

a) 2 feet away …..%
b) 5 feet away …..%
c) 100 feet away …..%

21. If Effie’s mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of fillo pastry will she leave out if the fillo pastry costs 62 cents a sheet and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?

22. Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?

23. If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?

24. If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson’s answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from Julie?

END OF EXAM
 
Last edited:

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#56
Too many colloquial Aussie terms for me to get half of those references (plus we don't use the ol' metric system here, so the math is all bad from the start) but I think I get the gist of the gag?
Not much slang terms there, but as long as you get the gist of it. It's mainly meant to show what shitholes some parts of Sydney have become. I'm glad I live in a different state altogether. :)

Tell me which colloquialisms are giving you trouble and I'll edit the post. :)
 

Mandingo Rex

★★★★★
Founder
Mar 14, 2011
14,392
6
38
36
Gone Baby, Gone
#57
I had to look up "galaktoboureko", which it turns out is Greek. Never heard of that before.

I guess you're right, with the amount of slang. Seemed like more on first read. Mostly it's the location names (for reference, we'd have zero idea on how far anything is from another location without consulting a map) local vehicles and things like Centrelink (I'm assuming the Dept. of Social Services/Welfare system there?) and all the Aussie car names that are different here in the states (except for the WRX, which is fairly common now).

We don't have Falcons or Commodores or any of the other cars you mentioned. And the thug names are fairly different from the ones we'd hear in the States.
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#58
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me!

Every night I have the same horrible dream: I'm lying in bed when five women suddenly rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored. "Break my arms."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#59
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure this out."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#60
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#61
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?â€￾
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#62
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try it."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "When was I born?"

"Yesterday." I replied.
 

red4

Enlisted
Feb 25, 2012
1,125
3
0
#63
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?â€￾
This one's lovely.
 

red4

Enlisted
Feb 25, 2012
1,125
3
0
#64
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
holy shit!!
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#67
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Pole replied, "I know the guy."
 

red4

Enlisted
Feb 25, 2012
1,125
3
0
#68
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Pole replied, "I know the guy."
Saw that coming from a mile away, but still laughed.
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#70
WHY MEN LIE

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed it to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. "No." he replied.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, he replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Olivia Wilde.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Olivia Wilde, You would have come up with Charlize Theron. Then if I also said 'No' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given all three to me?
Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'Yes' to Olivia."

The moral of this story is: when a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#71
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A kebab? No thanks mate, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you. Or your mates. Or their cousins.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
 

Monkeywrench

00coathanger
Mar 14, 2011
25,765
8
0
#75
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A kebab? No thanks mate, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you. Or your mates. Or their cousins.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
hahaha that's great :proposetoast:
 

The Ewokhunter

Crazyass Cracker
Mar 14, 2011
10,566
3
0
44
thingsatwistedewokwouldsay.blogspot.com
#78
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers

did for a living.



All the typical answers came up: fireman, mechanic, businessman,

salesman and so forth.



However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when

the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an

exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front

of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the

offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him

all night for money."



The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the

other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside

to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"



"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee

and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that

in front of the other kids."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
4
0
Australia
HobbyStop.webs.com
#79
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in the Vatican.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
 

red4

Enlisted
Feb 25, 2012
1,125
3
0
#80
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in the Vatican.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Performed by Jeff Goldblum and Woody Allen.