The Joke Thread

red4

Enlisted
Feb 25, 2012
1,125
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#81
Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: At least 2, but they'd have to be small enough to fit.
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
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#82
Gotta Love The Irish



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'





Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'






Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'





An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'







Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ........ it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
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#84
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a baseball bat shoved up his ass.
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
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#89
Paddy goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist.
"Could you taste this please?" he asks.

The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does it taste sweet?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.

"Oh, good," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
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#98
Two Irish secret agents are infiltrating an evil criminal's lair.

"Listen, Murphy," Paddy says, "The next security doors are operated by a retina scan. You need to overcome a henchman and take one of their eyes out."

After a brief scuffle, Murphy returns with an eyeball on the end of a pen.

"Good work Murphy," Paddy continues. "Now poke out one of my eyes and replace it with that one."
 
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Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
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#99
I played on a slot machine in the pub last night.
I put a coin in and pushed the button. It landed on two lucky sevens and a bell.

I held the sevens, hoping for a big win, but then a fruit came up and ruined my night.

He stroked my arm and said, "I'll let you buy me a drink if you win the jackpot, big boy."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You Sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit pissed off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
 

Dogarc

Magic Sky Daddy
Jan 12, 2013
103
0
16
Rocky Mount, Virginia
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"



There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.



A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
 

The Ewokhunter

Crazyass Cracker
Mar 14, 2011
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thingsatwistedewokwouldsay.blogspot.com
A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.
 

The Ewokhunter

Crazyass Cracker
Mar 14, 2011
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thingsatwistedewokwouldsay.blogspot.com
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.
 

The Ewokhunter

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Mar 14, 2011
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thingsatwistedewokwouldsay.blogspot.com
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 

Fled74

Opinionated Arsehole
Jul 3, 2011
7,281
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"I remember when I was a young girl," my 85-year-old neighbor said, "we had a black dog named Jigaboo. He was always running away so we'd go round the streets shouting 'Here, Jigaboo' or 'Dinner time, Jigaboo' and he'd run straight back home."

"Wow, you couldn't do that today!" I laughed.

"I know" she replied. "He got run over by a bus in 1947."
 

The Ewokhunter

Crazyass Cracker
Mar 14, 2011
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thingsatwistedewokwouldsay.blogspot.com
WHY NANCY CHANGED HOTELS....

Nancy checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,

"I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press “ 9 â€￾ for an outside line."
 

Videoviper

illuminati
Officer Club
Aug 15, 2012
4,833
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Behind a camera watching you!
3 old men are sitting around the nursing home complaining about what's left of their lives.

man #1: Every morning I get up at 6am to pee but its just a small trickle & it takes a half hour to finish.

man # 2: That's nothing I get up at 5am to take a dump, but my body can't take the pressure anymore so I sit there till 8 hoping I can push something out.

Man #3: Every morning I pee like a racehorse at 6 am & follow it up with a huge dump.

Man #1: So what's the problem?

Man #3: I don't get up till 9 am.
 

Videoviper

illuminati
Officer Club
Aug 15, 2012
4,833
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Behind a camera watching you!
Scott & Eric are sitting around talking about if they have baseball in heaven. So they make a pact if one of them dies, that person will find a way to tell the other if they play baseball in heaven.

Sadly 1 week later, Scott dies. After the funerial Eric is sitting alone & a bright light comes down.... Eric its me Scott & I have some great news They have baseball in heaven.

Eric jumps up for joy Oh how wonderfull. Anything else you want to tell me about heaven?

Scott: Ya you're pitching tomorrow!