The Joke Thread

Videoviper

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Behind a camera watching you!
The Lone Ranger was captured by outlaws, tried by their kangaroo court, and sentenced to die at dawn the following day. His last wish was to say goodbye to his dear friend, Silver. That night the outlaws granted him his request, the Lone Ranger whispered in Silver´s ear, slapped him, and the big horse ran off to freedom. At dawn, the Lone Ranger had the noose around his neck when he spotted Silver galloping over the hilltop with a beautiful, naked woman riding on his back! The Lone Ranger shouted...

"...you idiot! I said POSSE!"
 

Videoviper

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recently recruited lumberjack was bemoaning the lack of female companionship at his new outpost in the North Woods. He asked the foreman what the other men do. The foreman replied: "Up on the hill behind that shed is a barrel with a knothole in it´s side. Most of the guys use that." The lumberjack said that he could never do that, and walked away. But, he soon changed his mind, and late one night, headed up the hill. There, behind the shed, he found the barrel and tried the knothole. To his surprise, the found quite pleasant; in fact, very enjoyable.

Over breakfast the next morning, he remarked to the foreman. "Say, that barrel is truly amazing! Does this mean that any night I want to, I can just go behind the shed and use that knothole?" "Any night but Thursdays". the foreman replied. "Why not Thursdays?" asked the lumberjack. The foreman replied....

... ´cause Thursday´s your night in the barrel!
 

Videoviper

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A man picked up his blind date, and discovered she was a beautiful, young, wheelchair-bound double amputee. He suggested a drive-in movie, and she readily agreed. While watching the film, they became very friendly, and subsequently quite passionate. She suggested they go someplace where they could be alone. He drove to a deserted country lane, and they became even more friendly, and "very" passionate. Unfortunately, because of her handicap and his car seats, it was impossible for them to continue.

Quickly improvising, she noticed a nearby tree with two low branches. "If you´d carry me to that tree," she said, "I could hold those branches and we can finish what we both want!" He did, and she did, and they did, and it was wonderful! Later, they returned to her home. He was pushing her wheelchair up the sidewalk when her father opened the front door. "My, such a courteous young man," her father said. "What a pleasure it is to see that chivalry is not dead!" "Why sir", the young man responded, "the least a gentleman can do is walk his lady to the door!" "Yes," replied the dad, "but you know how guys are these days..."

"...a lotta guys just leave her hanging in a tree somewhere!"
 

Videoviper

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A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5
 

Monkeywrench

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A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5
:lmao:
 

Iok

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A man is walking along the street one day, minding his own business, when he notices that coming toward him is another man. But instead of having a regular head the man coming his way has an orange where his head should be.

The man with an orange for a head draws level and, unable to let the moment pass, the man with the normal head says, ''Hey, I'm sorry to ask and I know you must get this all the time but-''

''Why do I have an orange for a head?'' asks the man with an orange for a head.

''Well, yeah...''

''Oh it's a funny story,'' says the man with an orange for a head, ''You see, about 10 years ago I was walking along the beach one morning when I saw something shiny and glittery, just lying in the sand. So I picked it up and it was a lamp. It was a little dirty so I gave it a rub and you'll never guess what happened next.''

''A genie appeared?'' asked the man with a normal head.

''A genie appeared,'' nodded the man with an orange for a head, ''And you'll never guess what he said.''

''That if you let him go, he'd give you three wishes?''

''That's right,'' said the man with an orange for a head.

''So what did you wish for?'' asked the man with a normal head.

''Well,'' continued the man with an orange for a head, ''The first thing I asked for was to be a millionaire.''

''And...?'' asked the man with a normal head.

''When I got home I found I'd won the lottery,'' said the man with an orange for a head, ''Over $300 million in fact.''

''Wow,'' the man with a normal head pondered this for a moment and then continued, ''So what was your second wish?''

''Well,'' said the man with an orange for a head, ''I'd never really been very successful with women so I asked for an entire harem of supermodels to live in my house, who would love me and pleasure me in any and every way imaginable.''

''And...?'' asked the man with the normal head.

''Well,'' said the man with an orange for a head, ''I was awoken this morning by three of the most beautiful women you've ever seen and we proceeded to have the most amazing lovemaking session since the one I had before we went to sleep last night.''

''Wow,'' said the man with the normal head, ''That's amazing...'' He ponders this for a second and then asks, ''So what about your third wish.''

''Well,'' said the man with an orange for a head, ''for my third wish I wished that I had an orange for a head.''
 

Videoviper

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2 men are sitting around a bar in the Empire State Building (NY)

The first man says "The winds up on the top of the roof are so strong that if you jump into the wind, you will land right back onto the top of the building."

Man #2 - "Bullshit! That's not even possible!"

The two men drunkenly debate the issue for the next hour.

Finally Man #1 say " OK I bet you $100 That I can jump off the roof & land right back on the roof safe & sound."

Man #2 takes the bet & both parties give the money to the bartender to hold until the matter is settled. The two men then go to the roof.

Man #1 Walks to the edge of the building checks the wind direction & that's the wind is strong enough. Then he leaps off the building. The man goes flying down for a couple of stories, then the wind picks him up & sure enough he lands right back on the spot he started on.

Man #2: Wow that's amazing I have to try it. Man #2 leaps off the building in the very same spot & falls to his death.

Man #1: Goes back down to the bar to collect his money.

As the Bartender hands over the money he says: Superman you are one nasty son of a Bitch when you're drunk.
 

Videoviper

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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
 

Mandingo Rex

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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
I didn't know MW owned a chopper!
 

Videoviper

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One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."

The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."
 

Videoviper

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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.â€￾

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.â€￾

****************

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

*******************************

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?â€￾

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!â€￾

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?â€￾

Patrick, “What school?â€￾

**************************************
 

Videoviper

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So a bus driver goes to start his usually day but his boss informs him that the usual buss is broken down & He has to take the day care bus.

"Isn't there any other busses available this ones got children shows characters all over it."
"Sorry it the only bus left, Your usual ride will be fixed tomorrow."

So the bus driver goes about his route.
The first stop he picks of 2 large girls. The first girl says "Hi my name is Patti" The other girl says "My names is also Patti, WE do everything together." The 2 ladies then go sit on the same side of the bus & the bus starts to lean towards the side.

The next stop there is a Mother with her 12 year old son. The Mother says "Hello this is my son Ross, He has been known to fall asleep on the bus, so I need to make sure you stop at 12th street so he can get to school on time. The bus driver replies "Not a problem, Have a seat Ross.

The next stop the bus driver is surprised to see Donald Trump & Hilary Clinton get on the bus.
"What are you doing here?"

"Please don't make a big deal of this, you see since our lives are very public its hard to get away from he public eye, but over the years we found that by taking the bus we blend right into the crowd & no one bothers us while we slip off to our hotel to have our special time together!"

The bus driver replied "OK then enjoy" Donald then takes off his shoes & starts picking his feet.

At the end of the day the bus Driver pulls into the depo, the boss says Great news your regular bus is fixed, but since I know no one likes driving that bus, How about I treat you to dinner?

The bus driver replied no thanks I already had 2 all beef Patties, Special Ross, some wretched sleeze, pickin bunions on a Sesame Street Bus!
 

Videoviper

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1. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

2. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

3. What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

6. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.

7. A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”
The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

8. What do you call bears with no ears?
B

9. Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

10. I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

11. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

12. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

13. I saw a wino eating grapes.
I told him, you gotta wait. (Mitch Hedberg)

14. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

15. What does a pepper do when it’s angry?
It gets jalapeño face!

16. What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

17. Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

18. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”

19. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.

20. A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
The horse says, “Me neither!”

21. A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

22. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?
They’re both red except for the green one.

23. I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

24. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

25. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

26. An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they told me.

27. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

28. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

29. What’s red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator

30. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

31. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent!

32. My roommate told me my clothes look gay.
I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

33. How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was hit by the zamboni.

34. How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
No, it actually is.

35. How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.

36. Knock Knock.
Who’s There?

To.

To Who?

It’s To Whom.

37. What’s a pirates favorite letter?
You think it’s R but it be the C.

38. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

39. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!

40. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

41. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

42. I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

43. My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
…not screaming like the passengers in his car.

44. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

45. What do Cannon Balls do when they’re in love?
Make bbs.

46. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

47. If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

48. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
 

Videoviper

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I'm a bad person. (aka Asian humor)

So many years ago when my (asian) wife & I (Evil Whitey) were still dating , We were hanging out with some friends.
One younger asian couple was being nauseating cutsy. Now I had been dating my future wife long enough to know how this would end but as I said I am a bad person.

I turn to the young girl & say wow you make a cute couple. They smiled & thanked me for the compliment. I then said "I am really surprised it doesn't bother you he kind of looks like your cousin" All Hell breaks lose as I get a 2 hour screaming lecture on how not all asians look the same. (At that point I have had several similar mother in law conversations so this didn't bother me at all)

That night the asian girl takes her boyfriend home & they have the best night of sex ever, Seriously no holding back anything goes. After 2 hours of being pissed off at Whitey her turned her energies to EVERYTHING her man wanted.

The next morning she breaks up with him.
He HATES my guts!
She Only dates White guys now. Absolutly no asians
& I still have no clue what her cousin looks like .
 

pcsguy88

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My sister refused to date or even associate with any other Asians. The one time my parents took her to Korea Town in LA, she flipped out because the tables were flipped and her evil white parents were suddenly the minority and she was no longer special. Just goes to show it's all in how you were raised.
 
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.â€￾

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.â€￾

****************

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

*******************************

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?â€￾

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made nice testogen reviews explosives!â€￾

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?â€￾

Patrick, “What school?â€￾

**************************************
Haha. I liked the last one the most. "What school?" Lol.
 
Last edited:

G.I.*EDDIE

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it

is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,”

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on yourfeet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are

very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.”

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?
 
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