The Official Funny Things Thread!

Videoviper

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Behind a camera watching you!
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...
5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.

Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.

Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.

She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.

Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.

Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth.
May God have mercy on us all.”
 

Videoviper

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Behind a camera watching you!
I miss the days when dressing in rubber & keeping the mask on was kinky not required.

Remember wishing you had the time in your life to fix all those things around the house....... Wish Granted.

Bored around the house & need a break from the stress? Let's listen to celebrities telling us the exact same thing the news has been saying ad nauseam?

Much thanks to the essential workers, you deserve to get laid!!! But you won't because you walk amongst the diseased zombie horde & your loved ones are afraid of you.

How stressed are the guys who went to an asian massage parlor in Jan/Feb?

No mater how bad it seems, think of that hated co-worker, ex wife or some other perpetual Ass Hole, someone is quarantined with that person.


quarantine tip - Its OK to shower, no really I can smell you from here go shower.

Working from home: Its now somehow even less productive then it was before.

Wife: Can we go to Starbucks; Me: No! You do understand they hate you for making them have to go to work.

OK with all this time around the house....... the dog is starting to get annoyed. Still better the what the cat is planning.

How to become an essential worker at your workplace: Make a lot less than the people not showing up.

Attention all essential workers, here is a red shirt; I'll explain later.

Signs to be aware of:
- You've watched Tiger king....... twice...... of your own free will.
- You still can't find TP, But since everyone is now dressed like the are going to commit a crime, you are secretly OK with alternative methods. Dam it we've out of the NY Times!
- Costco looks like Mad Max road warrior.
- You know the vegetarians will be the first to cannibalize, YOU have a plan.
- You are no longer anti-gun, not because you changed you mind, you just know everyone else is packing & you can not be seen as the weak one of the heard.
- Shop Right seems like a good career choice?
- You have cleaned & re-cleaned every counter surface of your home 3 times, washed floors & even did the laundry. Your door knobs still have not been cleaned in 10+ years.
- You love your family with all your heart & would gladly lay your life down to protect them....But God help them if they sneeze, near you.
- You may be unemployed now, but so is every one else.
- You may have finished reading everything interesting on the internet.... now on to the not so interesting.
- If you are sitting at work, you are re-evaluating your life choices, if you are not sitting at work, you are re-evaluating your life choices.
- Lets talk about sports.... oh wait I forgot.
- I have 3 kids? When did THAT happen? Neighbors don't understand social distancing.
- You still believe the politicians, they don't know anymore than you do. Looks at other countries its the same dam thing.
- You have time to write/read this crap
- Drive bys are now OK
- Wife has now decided that things are getting "real" because celebrities are dying too.
- You bet against Tom Hanks but for Betty Whites (Dam you she's a national treasure!)
- You are complaining about the parks being closed, no one is allowed to point out that you are a member of a gym that you've been to once in the past 5 years.
- You don't understand why the chinese place closed (temporarily)They're sick too!
- did you know Epstein didn't kill himself.
- You still believe this started with a food market located 3 miles away from a bio research lab.
- If you need to ask why we are doing all this ask yourself what kind of Fd up shit does it take to freak out the China Government ------ gun to head "I stand corrected nothing "freaks out" China & should such a thing ever happen it will be shot & buried with the last thing that "freaked out" China." Go about you business.
- Maybe we should rethink sole supply lines in communist countries, just a thought.

-You clean the house yet? Me neither.
 
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nacho

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I keep telling my son that this will become one of his old-man stories... he'll tell his grandkids about the time summer vacation started in March, and oh how glorious it was. The Ultimate Snow Day, you know, minus the snow part.

Some people are bored with the staycation, some have cabin fever. Not the boy. Aside from wanting to visit a gamestop to get more video games, he's happy as a clam. Sleep, eat, video games, an hour or so of homework, more eating and video games, go outside for a jog, watch TV with dad when he gets home, rinse & repeat.

I think he secretly hopes the virus lasts forever. I know this because that's how I would have felt. And I'm ok with letting him enjoy it. He has to do enough school to keep his brain from turning to putty, but this is a once-in-a-century excuse to be a kid in all the best ways, and I don't begrudge him that.

The girl, on the other hand, is a social butterfly who acts like she's been put in solitary.
 
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NSA

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I keep telling my son that this will become one of his old-man stories... he'll tell his grandkids about the time summer vacation started in March, and oh how glorious it was. The Ultimate Snow Day, you know, minus the snow part.

Some people are bored with the staycation, some have cabin fever. Not the boy. Aside from wanting to visit a gamestop to get more video games, he's happy as a clam. Sleep, eat, video games, an hour or so of homework, more eating and video games, go outside for a jog, watch TV with dad when he gets home, rinse & repeat.

I think he secretly hopes the virus lasts forever. I know this because that's how I would have felt. And I'm ok with letting him enjoy it. He has to do enough school to keep his brain from turning to putty, but this is a once-in-a-century excuse to be a kid in all the best ways, and I don't begrudge him that.

The girl, on the other hand, is a social butterfly who acts like she's been put in solitary.
I wish I could enjoy this. Being stuck in a tiny house with the whole family is wearing the nerves thin, for sure. I think if my wife & I didn't have to work on top of taking care of the kids/pets/etc, it'd be different.. but it is what it is.

I hope this doesn't last past May, I don't know if we can take it.
 

nacho

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How ironic. I'm so jealous of my family. I'm going to work every day like a chump while they're sitting around like they're Kardashians. My ass drags in while they're "tired" from the firehose of movies, video games, and fresh air they've been bombarded with. My sympathy, as it turns out, is extremely limited. Yes, I'm sure that their perpetual endless saturday is terribly exhausting. :rolleyes:

It's different if you're an adult trying to keep everyone fed, safe, and educated while figuring out how to pay the bills and keep life from falling apart. But my kids need to just enjoy it while not rubbing my face in it.
 

ThunderDan19

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My family routine hasn't changed much at all. I still go to work for the most part (have managed to work from home exactly 2 days since this all started), but with a lot fewer (loud, annoying sometimes) people around the office, just on the occasional zoom meetings. My kids have always been home schooled. They just have less of the normal social outings and outside the house educational stuff right now. My wife is busier than normal. Her hobby has kind of taken off during all this, and we have been upgrading our animal pens and such. My parents have barely (if at all) been off the property since this all started. My wife and I have done all their shopping these past few weeks.

I feel blessed to have remained gainfully employed throughout, and will actually have the most adjustment needed when people start making their way back into the office more regularly again, particularly the whiny millennials. I find myself mildly annoyed when anybody comes in these days. My introversion and getting older seems to be leading to the inevitable "get off my yard" mentality. I need space and quiet, and minimal whining and drama.
 

NSA

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How ironic. I'm so jealous of my family. I'm going to work every day like a chump while they're sitting around like they're Kardashians. My ass drags in while they're "tired" from the firehose of movies, video games, and fresh air they've been bombarded with. My sympathy, as it turns out, is extremely limited. Yes, I'm sure that their perpetual endless saturday is terribly exhausting. :rolleyes:

It's different if you're an adult trying to keep everyone fed, safe, and educated while figuring out how to pay the bills and keep life from falling apart. But my kids need to just enjoy it while not rubbing my face in it.
I think if we didn't have a *2* year old things might be a little different, since she's into everything all the time and can't be left alone for 5 minutes without being afraid she's emptying the pet water or drawing on the walls or who knows what.

When we move in a month, the new place has 4 bedrooms so we'll have a dedicated office room, whereas right now our bedroom doubles as my day-office.. but it also means everyone is coming in here and bothering me all day, and it's infuriating. The wife has scheduled meetings throughout the week (conference calls usually) and so I arrange my "lunch" etc to cover the kids while she does those, but I never seem to get the same in return.. I'mma about to board the door shut! Haha.

I also think trying to cram selling the house, packing, moving, and learning homeschooling for a 7 year old all into this was probably a bit much. Am thankful that we both have jobs still though, but damn if I don't miss my work desk (alone).
 

pcsguy88

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Luckily the wife has nothing else to do but take the infant all day and I get to work upstairs, otherwise I’m sure we’d be beating each other by now. I can’t imagine trying to get anything done if we had to play pass the screaming infant who can’t be set down for 30 seconds.
 

ThunderDan19

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Uuuuummmm.... wow. I guess it’s a good(?) thing they got nothing better to be doing. Still pretty funny.
 

saltymarine

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Wow, all the tragic death and overcrowded hospitals n staff being overwhelmed n they got time to do Stupid videos, guess it’s not as bad as CNN says it is ,WAKE THE FUCK UP AMERICA !