PAWTUCKET, RI—Hasbro announced today an exciting new playset for kids and little innocent babies: "My First Knife Fight," to be released under its Playskool brand aimed at toddlers.
The playset features real shivs kids can use to stab each other in an innocent street fight. Including a variety of knives, from makeshift shivs made out of toothbrushes and razor blades to switchblades and kitchen knives, the playset is designed to entertain kids of all ages.
"Raise your kids right with My First Knife Fight!" says the voiceover in a new commercial for the product. "As everyone knows, all sweet and innocent children love to stab each other in a good old-fashioned knife fight. Make sure your kids have a leg up on the competition with our premium playset -- you don't want your innocent little baby on the wrong side of a butterfly knife!"
"Get My First Knife Fight today, wherever great toys for sweet precious little babies are sold!"
According to Hasbro, the playset is already wildly popular and has caused no actual violence, just innocent kids stabbing each other on playgrounds a lot "in good clean knife fighting fun."
PAWTUCKET, RI—Hasbro has announced a new social justice-themed version of their popular game CLUE, in which Mrs. White will always be guilty.
"We're thrilled to introduce this new version to the public," said Hasbro CEO Persiville Wadsworth. "All your favorite characters will be here-- Professor Plum, Mrs. Peacock, Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard-- except in this brand new anti-racist edition, Mrs. White will be guilty of the murder every single time!"
"It's never too early to teach your kids who's really to blame for all the evil in the world," he continued.
The game will still be played traditionally, as any one of the characters may technically be the murderer. The twist will come at the end, with a powerful anti-racist speech read by each of the players from the game booklet, after which a deep discussion will ensue about why whiteness is the real enemy.
Corporations, police departments, and elementary schools across the country are using the new game as a teaching tool.
"Here at Hasbro, we're proud to be a part of the solution," said Wadsworth with a smile, while dusting off a candlestick.
CDC Now Recommends Wearing A Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside The Car
ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.
"This guidance is especially important if you're in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event," said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. "Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!"
When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that's not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying "SHUT UP IT'S SCIENCE!"
The Federal Government has responded with a nationwide seat belt order for all public parks, buildings, and sidewalks.
"I don't know what's so hard about this," said Biden as his aides handed him a juice box and tightened his 5-point harness. "Just wear the dang seatbelt folks!"
Bob's Quality Seat Belt Company concurred with the CDC findings and confirmed that new "outdoor seatbelts" are now on sale for $59.99.
What are women thinking? What are they feeling? What do they WANT FROM US!?
So many questions. Luckily, you've got The Babylon Bee, and we know some women. Some of us are even married. So, we went to our wives and told them we were going to write an article explaining facial expressions. They said "That's fine. Everything is fine," so we went ahead and did it, since they obviously approved greatly.
Here you go -- every facial expression your wife has and how to translate it:
The "It's Fine" Look
Translation: It's fine. Everything is fine. No, go and hang out with your friends. It's totally fine.
The "It's Not Fine" Look
Translation: It's not fine. Everything is terrible. You're seriously just gonna go hang out with your friends? Totally not fine.
The "You Know What You Did" Look
Translation: You did something wrong. Rack your brain. Retrace your every step over the past seventeen hours and figure out what it was.
The "Let's Get Romantic" Look
Translation: "Let's get romantic."
The "Romance, right now? Are you crazy" Look
Translation: "Are you serious right now!?"
The "You Cheated on Me in a Dream Last Night" Look
Translation: If your wife gives you this look, it means you've cheated on her. In her dream last night. Make it better with chocolate.
The "No, I’m happy to eat there. Wherever you want, babe. Sounds great."
Translation: You have failed to be decisive while also reading her mind about where she wants to eat even though she doesn't even know. Why did she even marry you, anyway?
The ... wait, which one was this again? Oh no... what'd we do!?
Translation: This might be the "it's fine" look, but it could be the "it's not fine" look. Or maybe the dream one? Oh no. DEPLOYING CHOCOLATE COUNTERMEASURES PLEASE SEND HEL
10 Common Things Your Husband Says -- And What He's Actually Thinking
It can be hard to tell what your husband is actually thinking. Is he saying exactly what he thinks? Is he actually thinking about another woman? Would he still love you if you were Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? So many questions.
Luckily, we have the answers. All but one of us Babylon Bee writers are male (they made us hire MJ for affirmative action), so we know exactly what men are thinking and can provide accurate translations. Here you go -- 10 common phrases and what men are actually thinking when they say them:
1. "It's fine." -- "It's fine."
2. "We can eat anywhere you want." -- "We can eat anywhere you want."
3. "What am I thinking about? Nothing." -- "What am I thinking about? Nothing."
4."Huh? Oh, that's interesting." -- "The Fellowship couldn't have just taken the Eagles into Mordor. First, Eagles aren't, like, the Uber drivers of Middle Earth or something. They're majestic creatures, messengers of Valinor, and are unconcerned with the affairs of men. Second, they would easily have been spotted and taken down by the Nazgul on their flying mounts. Finally, it's very likely Frodo would have seized the Ring for himself as no mortal can resist the Ring, and he hadn't had the chance to have mercy on Gollum -- the act that ultimately saved Middle Earth."
5. "Yeah, that outfit looks great." -- "We were supposed to be at church 20 minutes ago. You do look good, but honestly, at this point, you could wear the curtains and I wouldn't care as long as we get out the door."
7. "Your friend? I don't think she's pretty at all." -- "IT'S A TRAAAAAP!!!"
8. "Yeah, that's nice." -- "Oh no. She was talking to me? Did 'that's nice' make any sense at all? Please, please don't let her ask me to repeat what she said."
9. "No, it's OK, babe -- I can drive." -- "I wish to live."
10. "I love you." -- "You are the most amazing person I have ever met and honestly, I'm just in a complete state of shock every morning I wake up and you're next to me. I pinch myself every day because there's just no plausible reason a woman as incredible as you should be with an oafish manchild like me, but here you are. But it's hard for me to express my feelings in words sometimes as I'm more of a fist-bumper and high-fiver, so I'll just say 'I love you' and hope that you get the message."
See? He's deep under that rugged exterior. Now go ask him what he's thinking about!
That "my eyes are up here" dress is slightly exaggerated, but so true. Way too many women want so badly to be noticed, dress to accentuate every curve, but then act like all men are creeps (except maybe the super attractive ones) who do notice them. Figure that one out...
And, I must still be a kid, because I noticed the beautiful woman and not the dishwasher...