10 Most Useless Joes

[nacho]

Ok, this isn't new, but it needs to get brought up on occasion, just to make sure no one takes this stuff too seriously, even nostalgia wanks like myself.

The 10 Most Useless Members of G.I. Joe

And another list:

Top 10 Lamest G.I. Joe Action Figures - Film Junk

Notice some overlap. Those four are clearly the worst.

 

[K-Tiger]

I agree with that first list. The second is mostly right except for Chuckles, who the only real issue with figure-wise is the fatigue trousers paired with that shirt. Should have given him blue jeans or chinos, and Raptor, who just needs a background retcon.

I always liked Chuckles better as a CID liaison officer that works with local LEAs, or a straight-up vice detective. He's too Miami Vice flavored to ignore.


Scoop is really stupid. What double-top secret special forces outfit goes on ops with a fucking combat reporter? Ice Cream Soldier, all other things aside, just suffers from making up specialities from whole cloth. Fire Operations Specialist? He specializes in running fire fighting crews in national parks and shit? Barbecue Chef? What fucking MOS code is that*?









*Probably falls under 92G, Food Service Specialist.

 

[G.I.*EDDIE]

like a morning star, but moronic.

:lmao:

 

[Frankie Fly]

Dee-Jay ,capt gridiron and sci-fi are justified in making that list.but quick kick? Man ,that's harsh.

 

[darthdre758]

This one is a classic too.

the 20 stupidest GI Vehicles.

 

[Topside]

Don't know why but I kinda like Scoop. Never had the figure as a kid. His "uniform" is awful. As previously mentioned, Joes don't need a reporter. That being said I started on a custom update for him some time ago and never finished it. I imagined his redux as being part of the Joe's infantry squad and not a special team. He would be able to send back real time updates from the battle to the officers. Could also double as a communications guy with his knowledge of microwave transmissions and such.

 

[AdrienVeidt]

2) Sci-Fi

Fuck you, io9.

Dee-Jay ,capt gridiron and sci-fi are justified in making that list.but quick kick? Man ,that's harsh.

You can go to hell, too. Sci-Fi was the designated target painter. He got to decide who got fucked up by the hardcore ordnance, and in what order. If he's lame, it's only because Flash showed him how.

And I have no idea why Col Courage gets ragged on. He should be recognized as the Joe team XO, right under Hawk. Fuck Duke, now *there's* a lame-ass Joe.

And what's wrong with the Devilfish? That fucker actually *exists*! And leave the MeanDog alone, it's awesome, dammit.

 

[K-Tiger]

Don't know why but I kinda like Scoop. Never had the figure as a kid. His "uniform" is awful. As previously mentioned, Joes don't need a reporter. That being said I started on a custom update for him some time ago and never finished it. I imagined his redux as being part of the Joe's infantry squad and not a special team. He would be able to send back real time updates from the battle to the officers. Could also double as a communications guy with his knowledge of microwave transmissions and such.

Their are plenty of jobs in the 25 series (Signal Corps) that Scoop could do and make sense being on the Joe team.

 

[Topside]

Ice Cream Soldier should be number 1 on the lame list although his mos is not entirely useless.
Don't get his beef with Chuckles, Scoop, Hardball or Courage. Even Ozone isn't that bad, just need to retask him to CBRN and you're all set.

 

[Dropshipbob]

I think most kids just bought what looked cool back then, the file cards/info was secondary...at best.

Which reminds me.

Remember that Cobra armored suit? One of it's gimmicks in the blue prints said it could brain wash the mind of any Joe stupid enough to crawl inside thinking they'd use it against Cobra.

Imagine the look on the face of the kid I mentioned this to when he decided to let one of his Joes try to hi-jack one and had failed to read up on the specs.

Once in awhile, there'd be something usefull in that info.

 

[Falcone]

Chuckles, Scoop, Hardball or Courage.

All 4 of them have actual legitimate uses. Chuckles might be one of the most important team members in fact.

 

[Topside]

All 4 of them have actual legitimate uses. Chuckles might be one of the most important team members in fact.

That was my point.

I think whoever wrote that list just wanted something to bitch about. Must've been from HT. :trollface:

 

[AdrienVeidt]

The bitcher was all over the place with his gripes. His criterion was 'useless', but he included mostly the-outfit-is-ugly, and some the-cartoon-is-stupid, with a dash of that's-really-your-name-? on top to make a shit sundae.

You wanna talk useless, but don't include Link Talbot? Yeah, some Joes have animal pals that need vet care, but what's he gonna do in an actual battle?

Why doesn't Star Wars get this treatment? He-Man? Because they're *jealous*, that's why. They wish they were half as cool a toyline as Joe is, even with all the 'lame-o' characters and vehicles. Bah, I say! BAH!!!

 

[blackrazor1]

The bitcher was all over the place with his gripes. His criterion was 'useless', but he included mostly the-outfit-is-ugly, and some the-cartoon-is-stupid, with a dash of that's-really-your-name-? on top to make a shit sundae.

You wanna talk useless, but don't include Link Talbot? Yeah, some Joes have animal pals that need vet care, but what's he gonna do in an actual battle?

Why doesn't Star Wars get this treatment? He-Man? Because they're *jealous*, that's why. They wish they were half as cool a toyline as Joe is, even with all the 'lame-o' characters and vehicles. Bah, I say! BAH!!!

Talbot is a Navy SEAL. People always overlook that part. Scoop as combat camera isn't too farfetched.

 

[nacho]

Grid Iron and DeeJay are stupid no matter what anyone says.

Chuckles is a lame figure, but his use in Special Missions made him useful, and the modern Cobra comics made him a badass. But if you just had the figure and watch the '87 movie where he hand-tossed a bomb.... then it's pretty easy to dog him too.

 

[G.I.*EDDIE]

I think most kids just bought what looked cool back then, the file cards/info was secondary...at best..

That was me. I honestly don't recall EVER reading the file cards.

 

[nacho]

I read the file cards for them all, but as soon as they appeared in the 'toon, the portrayal on TV usually trumped anything I had read. But it was helpful in outlining the characters who got little or no screen time.

 

[Preacher13]

GREAT STUFF! Though I agree with K-Tiger... Chuckles is awesome. A perfect character to inspire my young and adult imagination. I'm not sure about the figs pictured at the top of the second article either... Ambush has always been a favorite of mine. So has Gnawgahyde (spelled wrong..)

The football game article rules even more though.

 

[K-Tiger]

Scoop as combat camera isn't too farfetched.

For a line infantry or rifle company, sure.

 

[Dropshipbob]

For some reason I remember thinking Crystal Ball was pretty weird.

 

[nacho]

Let's face it, most named cobras were weird:

-One-eye, one-armed poet mercenary. Check.
-Man in iron mask, complete with moving lips, weapons supplier. Check.
-Leather fetish queen intelligence agent. Check.
-Color-changing chameleon man. Check.
-Weird symbiotic mind-melded-gps twins. Check.
-Shirtless DNA-researching dentist. Check.
-Spiked bondage harness boxing instructor. Check.
-Bird-suit wearing accountant. Check.
-Gimp-masked crocodile "trainer". Check.

And that leaves out cobra commander, serpentor, all the dreadnoks, etc.

Really, a guy with flock-of-seagulls haircut and a glass ball seems like the SANE guy in that bowl of nut-job soup.

 

[Dropshipbob]

I see your point! :lmao:

 

[G.I.*EDDIE]

Hah! Great summation of the ridiculousness that is Cobra. Funny how it all seemed so acceptable when we were children.

 

[nacho]

Oh yeah. I never questioned it one bit. Looking back, it's loony!

 

[Dropshipbob]

That's one of the gifts of being a kid, we liked just about anything.

 

[Videoviper]

For some reason I remember thinking Crystal Ball was pretty weird.

Let's face it, most named cobras were weird:

-One-eye, one-armed poet mercenary. Check.
-Man in iron mask, complete with moving lips, weapons supplier. Check.
-Leather fetish queen intelligence agent. Check.
-Color-changing chameleon man. Check.
-Weird symbiotic mind-melded-gps twins. Check.
-Shirtless DNA-researching dentist. Check.
-Spiked bondage harness boxing instructor. Check.
-Bird-suit wearing accountant. Check.
-Gimp-masked crocodile "trainer". Check.

And that leaves out cobra commander, serpentor, all the dreadnoks, etc.

Really, a guy with flock-of-seagulls haircut and a glass ball seems like the SANE guy in that bowl of nut-job soup.

Crystal Ball had 1 really important job to do.....
He looks around "You are all going to die horrible deaths."
:trollface:

 

[Dropshipbob]

He probably didn't get a lot of invites to the Cobra Christmas parties.

 

[K-Tiger]

Even a bunch of degenerates, war criminals and sociopaths dressed as clowns don't want to hang out with CB.

 

[Dropshipbob]

He probably has a bitchin hot girlfriend though...one that's all crazy and into bondage.

 

[GIJoey]

When I used to buy the little Joes for my nephew, I skipped over the Col Courage clown. Keep in mind I was in the army at the time and when I saw that figure I thought, "What the @##$%? A Colonel with a shaving profile!?!?!?! He looked more like a douche-bag clerk I saw at the base hospital.